The crowd likes cake in your hair and other lessons you should learn before your wedding

Overarching lessons to remember: You get the wedding and a life of bliss, make the reception memorable for me.

Lesson 1: DJ or band selection.
a. The DJ is critical. DJs who will accept requests for Madonna's Vogue immediately after playing Like a Virgin should not be hired. You should've done your homework. Consider a divorce. Also ignore that guy vogue-ing alone for everyone. He's not worth the film in your camera.
b. Cotton eyed Joe cannot go on the "Do Not Play" list. It's no wonder you weren't married a long time ago.
c. A DJ with a single letter as a name could suck. The "E" in DJ Lizzy E might not stand for ecstasy. Just sayin'.

Lesson 2. Make room for the dancers.
I'm not talking about the chorus line here, the flailers and the faux breakdancers need room to work. Provide that space and make it accessible to as many tables as possible. People that can find an excuse not to dance will likely "sit this one out."
2a. Leave a clear path for the "love train." It's a wedding people.
2b. The chicken dance is entirely optional.
2c. The kids love the YMCA. If you don't, you shouldn't have kids. Think about it.

Lesson 3. Tiny dancing asian girls are adorable, especially in pink dresses.
Note: This should evolve naturally. Hiring four year-olds to dance at your wedding is generally frowned upon.

Lesson 4. If I am the life of your reception, it's a low-key affair.
I'm not saying that I haven't pulled out some killer moves- diving into a groomsman's arms, piggyback rides, vogueing all alone. It's just that I'm a sideshow. Your party needs more of the elephants and flaming jugglers on trapez.... PSST. It's a wedding not a circus Oh. Right. Still. I'm not life-of-the-reception material.

Lesson 5. Speaking of me-- I'm aware that I'm sweating. I can actually feel it. The pointing it out to me-- PROBABLY UNNECESSARY. Thanks.

Lesson 6. Food. Drink. People like. Do it right. Two words: Tiny quiches.

Lesson 7. This is fun. Act like it, people. It's not like anyone's life hangs in the balance.
Oh. right.

Lesson 8. Cut that guy off. He's had enough.