Super Techno-wizard jargon debunked and/or mocked
I'm shopping for a digital camera. Being a curmudgeon-in-training, I have quickly come to realize that the tech-speak gives me a headache. In order to make light of my inability to care about important technology that will revolutionize my picture-taking experience I will now mock some of the terminology that I don't know or understand.

megapixels: not just giant dots anymore, megapixels are like calories, the more you have the better you feel, as long as your megapixels aren't empty megapixels. Nobody wants that.

Optical zoom: Picture Grover (not Cleveland)going near and far. Now picture his eye. Now picture an eight ball over his pupil. Punk Sesame Street characters with their personal expression.

Digital zoom: This is the sound your favorite techno band makes when the crowd gets really rowdy and they have to leave in a hurry. Either that or it's the sound robot toddlers make when they are playing with their miniature digital cars. Why does my camera need this sound?

NIMH batteries: These are batteries powered by brilliant, though misunderstood rats. They don't last as long as Lithium batteries, nor do they provide 1.21 Jiggawatts, but you're not running a flux capacitor here.

Flux Capacitor: Uncommon on today's digital cameras, but it's what makes time travel possible.

LCD screen: This is where you watch all the kids taking their LCD. It's trippy, but the bigger the screen the clearer the trip will be.

Film: Glaringly absent from the entire digital camera phenomenon. Kodak is pissed, but you will now have the not unique and mind-numbing ability to shoot hundreds of pictures and then share them with your friends with little thought to cost or quality. (Not that anyone you know would do that.)