Inantimate objects write back
Dear David,
WHAT are you doing? We're old. We're tired. We don't remember how to work this hard. You left us alone for a while and frankly at first we were lonely, but now we like it. Please go back to using us minimally, if at all. We don't like being taxed. We like to live out our last years as quietly as possible. You don't see us trying to mess with you in your old age, do you?

Please understand, our little hearts can't take this much excitement. If we were alive, we might die.

Sincerely,
Knee and iMac

P.S. Secretly we hate all the attention you give to your Camelback and that damn GameCube. We are launching a passive agressive strike on both items. Watch your backs. All three of you.