There's nothing on the Internets tonight, dear.

There used to be days and weeks of a "Winter Break" that it stretched on nearly as long as the snow was high. Oh, remember when there was snow? Remember how much I missed my friends over that long break? The agony of those days is gone, like the snow. Global warming/growing up the major contributing factors, not necessarily in that order. Weeks go by and I don't see my friends. I'm fine. I'm ok. I've got a nice bottle of Scotch, what do I need them for anyway? I miss them. Where are they? Wisconsin probably. Bastards. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry.

Let me tell you an embarrassing and not-all-together true story about my friends. They met on an island in the middle of the country. They were stranded after their paddle-boats wrecked during a nasty storm. They spent half an hour swimming to shore. They would've moved more quickly if only they'd stood up in the shallow water. The Midwestern monkeys descended on the new island arrivals immediately. The chief, Monkey-Do, offered his banana and a towel. The three were fast friends. The Chief told them they were a lovely couple. They eyed one another nervously and said out of unison, "We're not a couple." But Monkey-DO, had a knack for seeing, not unlike his second cousin Monkey-C who had a knack for doing. The family resemblance was uncanny. Anyway, after the awkward moment and the Monkey-C, Monkey-Do genealogy lesson, Monkey-Do cleared the error and the air by offering them drinks from coconuts. It seems that coconut cups are great healers of social ills in many cultures, none more so than the Midwestern ones. It's the hairy festiveness of the cups and the brightly colored straws. Never underestimate the comfort that monkeys and people take from brightly colored straws. With the drinks, the bond between Monkey-Do and my two friends became thick like my arm muscles. So there was still work to be done, it was the first day after all. They'd just met. Unrealistic expectations are a real downer. So, back off.

To move things along, I'll cut out the annoying monkey-people banter which rarely goes as smoothly as some people think, given the obvious genetic connection. To make a long and pointless story shorter, after many more coconuts of unidentified liquid my friends actually became a couple. Right there in front of the Monkey!

Some time passed. My friends were rescued. Monkey-Do tried to have a statue built in their honor, but working with contractors was never one of his strengths.

Statue or not, my friends later decided to marry. No monkeys or paddle-boats were included in the wedding, but it's still very embarrassing to go with them to the zoo, even now.

Welcome to 2006. It's going to be one of those years.