A brief history of cake and the call for a breakfast burrito
Birthday cake has had its day. Hundreds of days, really. Thousands even. Sometime in the late 1830s, when egg sales were sagging, the esteemed John Crooker decided he could inject life back into the egg market, though not the egg itself, if he could find a tasty use for the egg. The combination of egg and some other stuff lead to the invention, or discovery depending on your take on cake and its pre-ordainedness, of cake. To make a long story shorter, but not nearly short enough, Cooker unveiled his cake at the anniversary of the birth of his niece Alice and the birthday cake was born. As you know, Alice Cooker went on to marry Ralph Crocker and they birthed Betty who would change the way cooking was done all over the world. And while Betty gets a lot of credit, it was really Alice that was able to spread the cake because she brought the icing. Oh. My. Alice brought the icing like Einstein brought the gravity.

Alice was a natural cheerleader and heavily involved in the church. Using the skills her uncle had taught her, Alice first cranked out cakes for every member's birthday. Later, Alice would put her cake skills into care packages. That church just happened to be the largest church of gold seekers in all of the East coast. When the rush hit, Alice packed up the church care packages and sent the gold seekers on their way with a slice of cake and godspeed. The icing didn't travel well, but the sustenance provided was so delicious and the milk-straight-from-the-cow moustaches so hilarious, that nobody seemed to mind. Since so few from congregation were finding gold, they started a series of bakeries out West called the California Golden Cakes and Icing shoppes. Later the name was shortened to Goldies Cakes.

Goldies Cakes were so delicious that some people forgot about the gold rush all together. Birthdays in the California Territory soon served cake as the primary dish. Meanwhile in the East, Alice and her cakes had become so popular that some people stopped eating vegetables. Increased cake popularity soon spread from the coasts to Middle America. No one really knows how, since people on the coasts at the time considered Middle America nothing more than a big horse trail. Despite that mystery, once a trend like cake takes hold of Middle America and both coasts, there is really no stopping it. Americans everywhere were eating cake on birthdays and often on other holidays. Cake was a rite of passage. Cake was the answer and Where is the fountain of youth? was the question. Cake was the hottest thing since tobacco. There were cake sales and cake parties. There were cake dances and cake town meetings. Abraham Lincoln said, "let them eat cake" when asked about the growing rivalry in the North and South. Little did he know...

It's fairly obvious where I'm going. Cake is wonderful, but wouldn't you rather have a Birthday Breakfast Burrito? Cake had the gold rush and the civil war. Cake had Daniel Boone and Perry Como.

I see an opportunity here. It's time to replace cake. It's time to unveil the Birthday Breakfast Burrito. It's different. It's spicy. It reflects the current values of America. Cake is passe. Cake was great for what it was, but the Breakfast Burrito has so much potential. It's about melding cultures. It's about getting a complete meal in the morning. Fight obesity. Be patriotic. Enjoy the salsa. Celebrate your special day with a Birthday Breakfast Burrito. Carpe Diem means just a little more when it starts with egg, sausage and a hint of oregano wrapped in a fresh hot tortilla.

The Breakfast Burrito is the new cake. Blow that out.