This seems ridiculous
I was in a room in a circle of chairs. I was surrounded by the clean versions of ten dirty, smelly guys I watch play Ultimate. They were basically trying to decide if they wanted the next six months to be about taking themselves and their sport seriously or whether to play the same breed of Ultimate that they've grown accustomed to. It was a heated, but respectful discussion. They spoke eloquently and passionately on both sides. They talked honestly and openly about how the decision affected their lives. Then when everyone present had had a chance to express himself, they voted. I was amazed. It was one of the most beautiful meetings I have ever attended. These guys that yell and scream at each other for the stupidest things were articulate and intelligent and genuinely cared about each other.

And me? I'm struggling to determine how I fit in here. I said almost nothing. I do almost nothing. Except be. (And this time also prepare a calendar for the next two months of training, adding some direction to the otherwise pie-in-the-sky attitude.) Mostly though, I just am. I'm a resource, I guess. I'm told I'm a calming force. I'm trying to accept these roles, because I can't take part in the roles I'm used to. It's a helpless feeling. Sometimes it's a useless feeling. To be a part of something, but not be able to contribute in ways that feel like contributions. How do I translate "calming influence" into defensive plays? How do I translate "cheerleader" into scores? They don't quite translate.

So at the end of the meeting, I'm brimming with pride because I just got to take part in a very special moment with very special intelligent, passionate people. And I'm ready to cry because I don't get to play the part that I'm used to playing. I can work hard. I can calm and cheer, but can I make that enough? Can I make that what I need? Or enough of a part of what I need to make this worthwhile. Or can I find something to offer that is enough? I'm concerned because these guys now know what I know. Is it time to let them go out on their own? Or when this class leaves will they need me more than ever?

See title, but maybe it isn't.