Put that in your mobile and smoke it

Dear cell phone (ab)users,

I will grant you two things:
1. Cell phones can be useful in emergencies.
2. Cell phones can be useful for meeting (or not meeting).

Now, I rant.
I am sick and tired of hearing your personal conversations. I don't care what errands you have to run. I know what station we are approaching. I'm terribly sorry that your sister's husband kidnapped his child. I'm even sorrier that I have to hear about it. Please feel free to argue with your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/mom/dad in my presence. I don't mind. The more emotional you are the better. It would help me enjoy the soap opera that is Y-O-U even more if you could be physically violent. Pound things, yell, act like we're in your home. It is a small world after all.

I find that when you leave a party, a lunch, or a dinner because you have to answer your phone, it is a reflection on your disinterest in me. It's fair. I'm not that interesting. Neither are you, and you certainly aren't interesting enough for people to need to talk to you RIGHT NOW. They'll leave a message. Get over yourself.

If you decide to make calls in my presence, please have the courtesy to 1. move away from me or 2. let me know you will be placing a call. This way if I start to tell a story I won't be interrupted by the sound of your voice or I won't suddenly drive off the road because you started saying "Hello!" in your professional voice and scared the beejeezus out of me.

If you call me once because you are stuck in traffic and you want to hear my voice or you were thinking of me, it's kind of cute. If you do it often- stop. If you cannot carve out a little time in your busy schedule to talk to me, what you have to say cannot possibly be that important to me. If it is, please write me a letter instead. You keep pens in your car, don't you?

If you are somewhere with people that I love and you just know I would wish I was there; you're probably right. A call, however, from a noisy bar is not the same as being there. It's a lot closer to the opposite. Skip the call and tell me about it later. We can reminisce about those special people and have a moment.

If you are about to lose service, but decide to call me anyway, please realize that when the phone dies I will scream and curse you and you'll have no way to defend yourself.

If I call you and you're really not available to talk, don't pick up the phone. I too can leave a message. Let me give you some possible places where it's ok to let my call go to voicemail. Say you're 1. at a movie. 2. having sex 3. at a movie having sex. 4. At a concert 5. Any other place where you might be unable to hear or talk at this moment. Don't pick it up. Our friendship can survive the extra two hours of not speaking. In fact, if you let it go to voicemail I can pretend you never got the message when you don't call me back. If you talk to me, I'm much harder to ignore.

Cell phones are becoming like cigarettes. If I see one in your hand I feel a little disgusted by you. I know all cell phone users are not bad people, just like all cigarette smokers are not bad people. Second hand cell phone use, like secondhand smoke, is a killer. And when it's not, it's annoying the beejeezus out of me. Keep it up and I'll give you an emergency to call someone about.