Thinking about guilt

First, came the Callahan. I didn’t expect it to be thrown into me, so I was a little surprised when it hit my hand. I didn’t really react. Then, at game point with the teams playing newly introduced zone, I found my way behind the deep-deep. A big throw went up, floated, stayed up, and as the deep-deep began tracking the disc, I set up my jump and made the game-winning grab as we bumped into one another slightly. These plays made me feel guilty.

I didn’t feel guilty shutting down my man dancing for the dump. I didn’t feel guilty when my throws connected with receivers. I didn’t feel relieved when I got out-jumped three times last week or out run over the rocks and ruts of the field, or when a handler dropped a high release backhand over my shoulder. So, I’m writing to understand why guilt appeared with these other plays. Both of the plays did occur when the score wasn’t close. That seems to be a factor. I don’t want the other team’s players to feel bad, not in this league, not when the focus is on learning and having fun. However, we keep score, so someone does win and someone does lose. I do want to win and so does my team. These plays are more like punctuation. They are final statements where the eyes are on me. Everybody isn’t watching shut-down defense. Even a good throw hangs in the air and waits for someone else to catch it.

Maybe that’s all there is to it. Final statements in not-close games aren’t where I want to be. I prefer that my statements get made in closer competition.

I was just accused of over-thinking things.