Soap in bars and other items bordering on extinction

I think it's time for me to retire. I've done the whole work force thing pretty much to its logical conclusion. I mean I still have a job which pretty much makes me a success in the eyes of...well...everyone. I know I could go on and get a corner office or an office with a window or a corner office with a window on a much higher floor, but basically I don't see the point. I have reached the pinnacle, the upper eschelon, the climax of my career and I did it in just under four years (if you don't count those first two). Now it's time to graduate to bigger and better things- like whittling.

I might whittle somethin' out of soap, 'cept I'm starting to suspect that bars of soap are nearing extinction. Now, I don't have access to all the showers in the world, or even all the showers on my block, but all the showers I do have access to have nearly phased out the bar of soap in favor of what I suspect is really just repackaged shampoo. This is great news if you hold shampoo stock, but kind of a bummer if you had high hopes for feeling Ivory fresh. I know a guy who knows a guy who sells black market soap, but it's not cheap. And it doesn't come with instructions. This is where I admit the alarming and deeply personal fact that I could really use instructions with my soap. However, I'm not in the mood to alarm anyone, except for the soap people. Other than Dove, I don't even see any soap ads these days. When was the last time I was glad that I used Dial? And when was the last time that my soap sprung leaks and sprayed the Irish countryside with clean? Why, I'm not sure Dove makes bars of soap anymore, their product looks more like milk, a slightly thin vanilla milkshake. Those models aren't real! They bathe in milkshakes! Who does that? Real women don't bathe in milkshakes. I met a real woman once and at best she bathed in water discolored by rusted pipes. Milkshakes. Preposterous!

In conclusion, bars of soap and I are both losing steam. If only one of us will survive, my money is on me, but then my money isn't clean.