Moustache: That's French for moustache

Oui. Oui. Yes, I am trying to grow a handlebar moustache. Handlebar moustaches do not, despite popular belief, form themselves. They require a little coaxing. That's where moustache wax comes in. Wax, is an interesting fluid/solid/thing. Car wax is for shining a car. Candle wax is for burning. Sex wax is for a smooth ride on surfboards and skis. One could surmise that moustache wax is for ..., but then one might then be kicked out of polite society. That's why unlike one, I have chosen to follow the French directions. "Appliquer une petite quantite de cire sur les cheveux a l'aide de la basse. " My French is a little rusty, but if I had to guess I'd say this roughly translates to "Apply a little bit to your hair to aid in catching la babes." Those French, they think of everything.

I am not overly concerned about catching la babes as I have already reaped great rewards during my handlebar growing phase. Twirling my moustache has provided me with great pleasure and I have yet to master a villainous laugh. I was accused of being dramatic, but there was nothing mellow about it.

If the wax works particularly well and my moustache cooperates, I look forward to tying damsels to the railroad tracks and copious amounts of fast-paced piano music. I will also be donning a black and red cape and mastering that laugh. Like the box says, "TENIR HORS DE LA PORTEE DES ENFANTS" or for those that didn't fake three years of French, "Protect the women and children."

I'll disappear in a cloud of smoke. Laugh. Cry. Love me. Hate me. No one ever said this relationship would be simple. Au revoir.